::my:love:my:life::

My boo, when he was a fat happy cat living with Di. 

I wasn't going to blog for a bit...I can't seem to really focus...all I can really do is cry. 

I had to do the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do actually in my life - put my cat down. He was the love of my life. My best friend. He was always there for me. When I wasn't feeling well or had bad anxiety...he was just there for me. Always cuddling. Even at night. He loved to sleep beside me, have his belly rubbed, the covers over him and we would fall asleep like that together. He didn't play often but when he did he went a little crazy and would run around like he was just a kitten, not a care in the world. 

I guess I sort of should of seen it coming. He was acting odd the last little while. He was meowing constantly and would hide behind the toilet and lay there. My bf thought that maybe he was going deaf {because he wouldn't stop meowing and we didn't know what it was that he wanted} and I thought that maybe he was getting Alzheimer's. He seemed like he didn't know what he wanted. He peed on the bed and pooped in the past week and he was trying to tell me something and I just wish I took him to the vet before what happened yesterday. Which was he was weak...he didn't move...and he could barely walk. His hind legs weren't working properly.....

How could he be totally fine on Saturday and than the next day - out of nowhere - he was totally different? Tired. Like he had given up. 

He did look like he gave up. I had to make the decision to let him go. His bloodwork was bad and the vets are a rip off and wanted $1200 just to see what was wrong with him. 

I had the choice to take him back for a night and see if he got better. But the vet said that he really needed to be hooked up to IV. No amount of sub-q fluid would rehydrate him...well...it could have...but at the end of the day. No one knew how much longer he had. He was 15 and getting older. 

I am so sad. I feel like he is mad at me for letting him go. I don't know - it sounds silly. But I hope he didn't think I had given up on him. It was so sudden and everything & everyone was telling me that I had to let go and let him sleep and not be in pain or go through this. 

I can't be fucking selfish and have taken him for another day or night and watch him sit there, not moving, not wanting to eat or drink. That would have been totally selfish on my behalf. 

There are so many emotions running through me and yet not...I feel empty. I don't want to do anything. Everything reminds me of him. It was so hard waking up and feeling a wave of sadness, guilt, regret...everything all over again. 

I just hope he isn't mad at me. 

I just want to vent here...and write a little letter to him. 

Dear Sky,

I miss you so much. 

I love you so much. I wish that I didn't have to let you go but you looked so sick and I didn't want to put you in anymore pain. It was so sudden for the both of us. 

How could you be such a kookoobird one day and than barely move, eat, drink, do anything the next. 

I feel so bad that I had to let you go. I wish I was rich, I would pay anything and everything to keep you here with me and make it as painless as possible. 

I don't know why I had to make this decision. I wish I didn't have to but at the same time I am glad that you were with me. I am glad I stayed with you until the very end and please know that I love you beyond anything in the world. 

I still do. I just want you back, so badly. 

Everything reminds me of you. I am still keeping your toys where you kept them and your little placemat. 

I want to just have another night where we cuddle under the blankets and fall asleep together. 

You always attacking my clothes when I am trying to get dressed. You sleeping in the laundry baskets and always trying to escape the apartment to explore or steal Nellie's food or water even though you had all the food and water in the world. 

I wouldn't ever complain again of you crapping yourself or peeing on the bed or puking everywhere. 

Just to see again you jumping up on the dresser just so that you could feel like you were outside by the window...every time you heard a bird...

You didn't like going outside too much though but I would try and get you out there so you could get reacquainted again since you loved to sit in the long grass. 

You laying on all my books or magazines when I was trying to read or simply sitting on the laptop when I was using it. 

You always trying to get into Travis' armpit {hahahaha} because you loved the smell of people. :) 

You always rolling around in his work clothes - I guess you liked the smell of tires. 

You running to the fridge and trying to get in there because you knew your food was there.

Drove me crazy when you jumped on the kitchen counter since that was the one place you weren't allowed to go...but I realize now that you did that to try and tell me something was up. You sleeping in Travis' cubby hole thing on his side of the bed...

You really loved that bed. The new King size bed for a King. You loved the feather down duvet even more which we had to put away because you liked to pee on it and the dry cleaning bill was a bit ridiculous. 

You also always warned me if there was a spider around - remember that time it was on the ceiling in the middle of the night? I thought you were just kookoo but I turned on the light and a huge f**ker was right there, above us. 

You protected us from spiders...mind you, you would pat them with your paw, look at me like "I ain't eating that shit" and walk away. 

I was like "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT HIM!" Needless to say, I had to discard of our pesky visitors. 

You were also always so nice to everyone who came to visit...unless that person was under the age of 10 - you, like me, don't like children. I, unlike you, can't attack them. Hahaha. Just joking here people. But you just didn't like 'em. {*hushed voice* - I can't blame you!}.

You hated our loud music nights and would usually  hide in the bath tub or the King Sky bed. You also liked to knock stuff down sometimes for fun and puke on brand new magazines and books and the Marc Jacob's tote bag from Diana. 

You liked to puke or crap on Diana's stuff too. Haha. 

You also loved to jump up and hang off her pants as she walked by when you were little. You had an obsession with running taps and of course Diana taught you how to drink from water bottles and you would go ballistic if you ever saw one. 

You also went ballistic whenever you saw the Vaseline jar...I still have yours. I will still keep it. You loved it. It was like cotton candy. I wish I gave you more treats...

You hated baths...sometimes I had no choice because you are a white haired kitty with long hair and pooh is not a good look for you. 

Diana liked to dress you up with bandana's...I know you loved hanging over there with D, Leyman and Pizzo. 

I know you loved hanging with me more because you were beyond spoiled and allowed to do anything and everything you wanted. 

You loved Mom and Dad a lot. You had a lot of respect for them. Well, Mom, you turned into a big pile of mushy goo and never attacked or did anything. 

Dad, you were kinda afraid of him I think...you tried to tell him you were King and he tried to tell you that he was King...I think there was a bit of a power struggle there between the two of you. And as retardedly allergic Dad was to you...well, I think deep down - and he won't admit it - he loved you A LOT. 

You were a family member. You were a Gaweda. 

Hell, who doesn't want to be a Gaweda?? 

At the end of the day Sky. 

I love you so much. I love you more than anything in the world. 

I want you back...every second...is really kinda painful...I keep thinking you are sleeping on the bathroom counter or in the tub...waiting for me to turn the water on. 

I know I sometimes took you and wouldn't let you go...but it was because I loved you so much...and just wanted everything to do with you. Because you were such a happy kitty...even when sometimes you were sick and in pain...you were happy. 

When I held you yesterday...and you didn't seem like yourself...as soon as I took the water bottle out you perked up a bit...

For Diana, I gave you water from the bottle...

You wouldn't drink it...but I knew you were still Sky, but tired and old. 

I love you so much Skiusz. 

I miss you so much Chichi. 

I will cry everyday for a long time. 

Likes / Dislikes

*Likes*

Vaseline

His Christmas treats from Ma, Pa and Di.

Open window's.

The fan blowing on him on "his" bed. 

Travis' armpit. 

Sleeping with me. 

His heart pillow. 

Running taps. 

Water bottles. 

Nellie's food/water.

Laundry baskets.

Bryan Adams & Sting.

Anything that has strings. 

Travis' work clothes.

Visitors - particularly Ma, Pa & Di.

Food Network.

Lazer pointers.

Toronto Maple Leafs. 

House plants.
Watching big fat snowflakes outside.

Being brushed.

Eating leftovers off the counter overnight.

Attacking pretty much anything.

Sleeping in SUNSHINE.

*Dislikes*

Water aka. baths.

Children.

Cars.

Anything too loud - aka. Kid Cudi full blast. 

Beyonce & Rihanna. {maybe this is just me...I dunno.}

Vinegar.

Stickers - anything sticky.

Vets {obviously}. 

Thunderstorms. 

Diana when she was younger. {haha Ma told me to write that}

Wind.

Cilantro.

Montreal Canadiens. 

HAHAHAHA.

I love you Sky. 

-S.*