::a:new:chapter::

Why do we start things on Monday's? 

Is it because it's the beginning of a new week or is it just our excuse to throw all caution to the wind on Saturday and Sunday? 

To be quite honest, I was going to start something today but found myself in the kitchen at 4am gnawing on cold fried chicken. WHO does that?? 

I have had the most strangest cravings lately...

Not only that but I have just been feeling awful all around. I have crazy mood swings, anxiety, I guess you could say that at times I do feel a bit depressed. I have the most awful digestive issues that I have never experienced before, headaches, I have difficulty concentrating, fatigue, irritability. You name it. And for what seems like my umpteenth doctor's visit, no one can figure out what's wrong with me. My blood work is coming back normal...but other then that I'm pretty damn healthy. 

So it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that amidst my studies of preventive medicine that a light bulb went off. 

I feel like shit because I eat like shit. 

Seriously. 

That's all there is to it. 

I feel this way because I am overweight and I am not nourishing my body. I am not giving my body the proper nutrients and food that it needs! But why, after figuring this out, is it still so difficult to stay away from that hydrogenated, processed, antibiotic-filled chicken breast at ungodly hours of the morning?? Okay, I admit...I also ate some onion rings. 

It's probably because when you eat the damn stuff your dopamine levels go through the roof and you get that brief periodic high. That lazy euphoria. And then five minutes later you find yourself thinking - "what the f%#* did I just do??". Oh yea, you lay the guilt on thick. 

I mean, you don't have to...just don't do it again at your next meal...I just had a few small bites, but I am the queen of berating and putting myself down...and obviously making excuses by saying I only had a few bites. :/ 

So does it have to start with self talk? 

When you want to change your habits, your lifestyle and your eating patterns ~ do you have to work on YOU first? 

I guess that is something I am going to have to work on and this year is the year that I really want to make a CHANGE!! I don't want the same old! I don't want to feel like shit all the time! Of course that farmers plate of pasta fills me with absolute glee, but maybe I can have it once in a while...not everyday and not a huge portion. Maybe I also need to realize what that pasta is doing to my body. It really is wreaking havoc! 

My body simply cannot eat like that. It does not want to. But I just tell my stomach to SHUT UP AND TAKE IT! 

Mr. Tummy wants to knock me upside the head though and tell me that it can't function properly with no nutrients that that bowl of pasta doesn't have...that's right, no nutrients! White pasta, completely stripped from nutrition through processing. Tomato sauce from a can, one can only imagine how much sugar is in there. Then I throw the processed cheese on top and not only do we have a calorie-bomb here, ladies and gentlemen, but we have plate that is half a non-food. 

Oh, but I don't stop there, I eat this at night...LATE. Like, 8pm! And then an hour later I go....to...bed. 

Talk about throwing your sugars so out of whack and having the shittiest sleep on the face of the planet. 

So when I wake up the next morning and think to myself that I felt like I only slept an hour I have no one to blame but myself. 

AND I AM JUST REALIZING THIS NOW. 

It's hard to break habits. I understand that. When you do something everyday for a long period of time...it's hard to break out of that rut, but you need *determination*. It's as if we have become addicted to lying to ourselves in some way. That we will just put it off another day. That we will eat a slice of pizza for lunch but go easy at dinner. Or we will start exercising next week. Whatever your excuse, I get it! I have been there! I have been putting it off for a year and a half.
Not just with food but with other aspects of my life as well. But at the end of the day, I have no one to blame but myself and when I ask myself the question, what have I accomplished thus far, the answer is a resounding, NOTHING.
I ain't proud of that. I have been coursin' through life and I want to make a difference. I really do. And i want people to take notice and go "Hey! She is actually doing something this time. It's not all talk!". 

I can't study and become a certified {FAT} holistic nutritionist. WHO will listen to ME?? I won't have much credibility there. 

I have many dreams and aspirations and I need to start working towards them instead of being lazy! I have been one lazy fat person!

So this is my journey now to becoming healthier AND happier. Because I want to be happy and right now I am not. I am always stressed out, on the verge of tears and wanting to pull my hair out! I was never this person before. 

I need to start loving me more. So this has to be MY year. The year all about ME. 

Because at the end of the day: 

"Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken."

Goal #1: Not going back for more fried chicken.

The photo above is me at my heaviest...about 1 year ago. Here I was roughly 185lbs. How ashamed am I that I let myself get this heavy, alas, it is what it is. 

The two above photo's are my most recent pics. I have lost close to 25lbs since last year...I still have quite a bit to lose. I am around 160lbs now and my goal is to get back to my original weight of 130lbs. 

-S.*